The power of “dusting oneself off” ….. Shame Resilience
“Shame corrodes the very part of us that believes we are capable of change.” ― Brené Brown
I can identify many times in my youth when comparison to the achievements of others, or perceived expectations of others on me, debilitated my engagement and performance.
Over the break, I read Brené Brown’s book ‘Dare to Lead’, which inspired me to share with you last week about the power of empathy and connection in relationship and community.
Whenever I read such books, I am always considering the importance of the messages within, for our boys. While I wasn’t surprised by what I read regarding ‘empathy’, the section on ‘shame’ caused me to reflect deeply.
As parents and staff, we are united in wanting our boys to thrive. We don’t want them to be fearful, anxious and inhibited, but rather to trust, believe and to be brave.
Shame is the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of being loved, of belonging and of connection.
In learning and behaviour it can, amongst other things, result from perfectionism, comparison, and self-worth tied to productivity.
There is an important difference between one’s ‘disappointment’ (or even guilt), that leads to renewed effort, and ‘shame’ that leads to quitting and reluctance.
Shame is often referred to as the master emotion by researchers. It is the ‘never good enough’ emotion.
It can stalk us over time or wash over us in a second. Either way, it's power to make us feel we are not worthy of connection, belonging or even love, is unmatched in the realm of emotions.
Connection, along with love and belonging, are critical to our being, and give purpose and meaning to our lives.
Shame is the fear of disconnection. It is the fear that something we've done, or failed to do, an ideal that we've not lived up to, or a goal that we've not accomplished, makes us unworthy of connection.
Self-compassion is key, because when we're able to be gentle with ourselves in the midst of shame, we are more likely to reach out, connect, and experience empathy.
Ensuring our boys truly understand our unconditional love can free them to be vulnerable, and so to develop “shame resilience”, and to thrive in their relationships and learning.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made… Psalm 149:13
Peter Grimes | Headmaster
Reference:
Brené Brown is an American research professor, lecturer, author, and podcast host. Brown is known in particular for her research on shame, vulnerability, and leadership. Book - 'Dare to Lead' (2018).
