One of Life’s Paradoxes – “Boundaries Set Us Free”
Some of the greatest discoveries in human history have sprung from the freedom to ‘push the boundary’, to speculate, to challenge and to innovate.
I am reminded of the ancient mariners who challenged ‘the flat Earth’ boundary to discover faraway lands, those who today break out into space and travel to distant parts, those who have discovered life giving medicines and amazing surgical procedures etc. etc.
Boundaries = security, safety, and the feeling of being loved and cared for.
Giving children boundaries actually gives them a sense of security. Research shows that children who have clear boundaries are more willing to take risks, be innovative and creative.
Our children depend on these limits.
“Boundaries are essentially about understanding and respecting our own needs, and being respectful and understanding of the needs of others. For that to work, we need to be putting a big emphasis on helping children develop greater empathy and self-awareness.” Stephanie Dowd, clinical psychologist.
Children are developmentally hardwired to push boundaries with their parents, and it’s our job to compassionately hold them. The tension that this creates is an incredibly important experience for our children, as they learn how to deal with these uncomfortable emotions.
The ingredients necessary for our children to grow up to be well-adjusted young adults, are not always going to be things that make them happy. We need to suffer through ‘not always being understood or liked by our children’. It is important as parents to be willing to say, ‘I understand that you may not agree, but this is the decision that we have made because we care about you.’ This is where the distinction between parenting and friendship exists.
Children learn how to hold boundaries based on how parents hold boundaries. In other words, when we model saying and sticking to, “No”, our children are empowered to do the same. This extends beyond boundaries we set for our children. The boundaries they see modelled by us in our own lives provide powerful examples.
Research highlights that the most compassionate people are those with boundaries. For our boys, our families and us to love and live ‘big’, requires boundaries, which liberate us to have integrity, compassion and generosity.
Peter Grimes | Headmaster
References:
The Gifts of Imperfect Parenting: Raising Children with Courage, Compassion, and Connection by Brene Brown.
