Embracing Vulnerability - Part 2
“Vulnerability is not winning or losing; it’s having the courage to show up and be seen when we have no control over the outcome.” (bestselling author and psychologist, Brene Brown)
My Messenger article last week focused on the transforming capacity of vulnerability. It is the birthplace of deep human connections, creativity, and innovation. While it involves exposing oneself to potential pain or rejection, it is also the conduit for experiencing love, belonging, and joy on a profound level.
Most of us live in cultures of scarcity or “never enough”. We’re constantly measuring and comparing what we have, against what we want, what we don’t have, what others have, or even how things used to be. While we have a fundamental need for connection, love, and belonging, we often fear rejection and are afraid we’re not good enough. Shame can lead us to hide our vulnerabilities, resulting in a greater disconnect with our families, communities, schools, or work.
Consider the ‘shame’ that accompanied the Apostle Peter’s ‘triple denial of discipleship’ in the courtyard of the High Priest on Jesus’ arrest (John 18 vv25-28). Contrast this with his empowerment by Jesus’ triple affirmation, following the Resurrection, “Feed my sheep!” (John 21 vv 15-19).
As a consequence of this vulnerability and shame and the compassion of his Lord, Peter became the undisputed leader of the burgeoning early Christian Church for the next three decades.
Shame is the agonising feeling that we’re flawed and hence unworthy of love and belonging. All of us experience shame, everyone is afraid to talk about it, and our silence only gives it even more power. Shame is so harmful because we see the flaw as a part of who we are (rather than a temporary feeling such as guilt, embarrassment, or humiliation). It works hand in hand with comparison and breeds a cycle of disengagement.
Shame thrives in secrecy, silence, and judgment. However, empathy — the ability to understand and share the feelings of others — is the antidote to shame. It helps to break down the barriers that shame erects and fosters genuine connections.
‘Having the courage to be vulnerable allows us to live wholehearted lives, free to: connect with others without fear of judgment; persevere in the face of challenge, criticism and failure; learn and grow; and more fully understand and engage with compassion.’
How can parents help?
Brown encourages parents to:
- model vulnerability, empathy, and courage for children, fostering an environment where our children can develop healthy emotional intelligence and resilience.
- create safe spaces for children to express their emotions and experiences without fear of judgment.
- watch out for the ‘emotional armour’ (perfectionism, desensitising through addiction, or constantly seeking approval) that our children can resort to which can numb them to emotions such as joy and gratitude.
- help their children set boundaries and cultivate gratitude and joy (perhaps through a gratitude journal).
- build 'shame resilience' by helping children to practice empathy towards themselves.
Shame-resilient cultures and families are characterised by open communication, empathy, and a willingness to address and learn from mistakes. They prioritise psychological safety and create an environment where individuals feel valued and empowered, leading to more fulfilling and impactful lives.
Peter Grimes | Headmaster
References:
‘Daring Greatly - How the Courage to be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent and Lead’ - Brene Brown
