Freedom to Fail
Do not fear mistakes. You will know failure. Continue to reach out. - Benjamin Franklin
It's claimed that King Robert Bruce of Scotland hid out in a cave on Arran's west coast, dejected, after his disastrous first year as King of Scots. Legend tells us that, while waiting out the winter of 1306, he watched a spider on the cave wall try time and again to spin its web. Every time the spider fell, it rose to begin again. Bruce took inspiration from the spider and resolved to continue his campaign against the English, ending in the Scots victory at Bannockburn.
Recently in assemblies, I have been unpacking one of our new values, Courage – ‘We are bold, brave and embrace new opportunities.’
My focus has been on having the courage to embrace failure, by recognising its importance to our personal growth on the journey towards excellence. Using the examples below, two key concepts discussed with the boys were persistence and resilience.
- Michael Jordan, one of the most famous and successful basketball players of all time was quoted as saying, “I’ve missed more than 9,000 shots in my career. I’ve lost almost 300 games. Twenty-six times I’ve been trusted to take the game-winning shot and missed. I’ve failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed.”
- Astronaut Neil Armstrong faced many challenges as he and his team prepared to be the first men to set foot on the moon. He was nearly killed in a simulation when his craft plummeted to the ground and exploded. His superiors attempted to abort the mission during its preparation phase, however Armstrong said, “We have to fail down here, so we don’t fail up there.”
- Despite a series of harrowing falls and other misadventures from horses in my youth, horses and horse riding remain much loved to me: “If you fall from a horse, get straight back up”.
Fear, especially the fear of failure, can so easily control us, causing anxiety and robbing us of opportunity and joy. Teaching our boys to bounce back from disappointment makes them stronger and more ready to face life’s challenges.
In his book, ‘10 Steps to Develop Great Learners’ (based on research), Professor John Hattie makes the following points:
- Do you allow your children to learn to fail? If they don’t fail, they will fail to learn.
- How they and you cope with errors is critical. They need to learn that mistakes are opportunities to learn and not to be embarrassed about or avoided.
- Failure is a friend! Struggle is a good word! Being perfect is not as critical as learning from failure.
- Problem based coaching is what we need to teach our kids - it’s less about the stressors, and more about the coping mechanisms.
- Talking about how the error was made is often the best educational experience.
It’s normal to make mistakes or fail to achieve all goals we set out for ourselves. But it’s the personal stories or explanations that we create for ourselves about these mistakes that matter for how we feel and how we handle them — in the present and in the future. Reframing mistakes as opportunities from which we can learn — rather than failures — can help us feel like we are capable and in control. Reframing can also help us handle future mistakes more effectively. - Harvard Education
How can Parents Help?
Parents need to step back and give their boys room to ‘mess up’. If you’re always over their shoulder guiding them, they can’t fail and try again. That’s an important experience that they need to learn and grow.
Our boys develop self-confidence when they make decisions on their own. They build coping skills as they transition through difficult situations. They learn how to handle negative emotions, build self-control, apologise, problem solve, and many other important skills.
Allowing our boys to make mistakes when they’re younger, prepares them for handling the big stuff when they’re older.
When they make mistakes, we can help them learn to approach them constructively by modelling this behaviour. Talking openly about our own mistakes can be challenging, but doing so regularly teaches children that mistakes are something to learn from rather than something to hide or fear.
Success is not final. Failure is not fatal. It’s the courage to continue that counts. - Winston Churchill
“Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.” Deuteronomy 31:6
Peter Grimes | Headmaster
References:
10 Steps to Develop Great Learners - Visible Learning for Parents (2022) – Professor John Hattie
How to Help Kids Learn to Fail – Child Mind Institute
Tips for Parents
Below are four key steps for adults to help kids learn from mistakes.
1. Talk openly about mistakes
Share about a time when you made a mistake: what happened, how you handled it (even if it wasn’t so well, at first), and what you learned. Most likely, this will come up naturally when kids experience a setback or make a mistake and you want to relate to them. For example, if they failed a test you could share a time you failed a test too - you might share that you learned to start studying earlier or ask the teacher for extra help before the next test. It can be tempting to blame others for our mistakes, but stay positive and focus on what you did or could have done to improve the situation.
2. Reframe mistakes as opportunities for learning
You might point out that it can feel bad to make a mistake but try to stay positive and reframe mistakes as opportunities for learning. Talking about mistakes can be hard but with the right language, they’ll eventually become sources of inspiration, not shame.
3. Spot opportunities around you
One of the best ways to learn something is by applying it to everyday life. So encourage one another to notice mistakes around you — and find opportunities to solve them. For example, you might notice your brother is always late to soccer practice because he snoozes his alarm too much. Suggest that he place his alarm clock far away so he’s forced to get up and turn it off!
4. Make it a habit
Talk about mistakes and lessons learned during weekly activities like mealtimes or commuting. If someone consistently has trouble thinking of an example, share your own mistake (or feeling of failure) first and then ask if anyone can relate or think of something similar.
