The Fear of Failure Can Rob Us!
It can be a disabling intrusion …….
Or it can be an empowering stimulation!
Simply put …… the same glass can be described either as “half EMPTY” (negative)
Or it can be viewed as “half FULL” (positive)!!
“Do not fear mistakes. You will know failure. Continue to reach out.” - Benjamin Franklin
Last year I was lucky enough to fulfill the dream of surfing in Indonesia. The waves were consistently good over the week, ranging from 4-7ft. On occasions, I found myself pinned to the reef with considerable turbulent water intent on holding me down and had to frantically ‘climb up’ my leg rope to find air! At times, fear attempted to persuade me to head back to the comfort of the boat, but I persisted and was rewarded with the best waves of my life.
On Sunday at church, I heard a remarkable Brazilian man speak. His name was Derek Rabelo. He was born completely blind, learnt to surf at age 17, and has surfed two of the most feared surfing breaks in the world, Pipeline (Hawaii) and Nazare (Portugal).
“I was born blind, so being blind is normal for me.” Says Derek. “But I still had to get used to it — I had to find ways to adapt, I had to make my own way, to learn things, and to live. The biggest thing for me has been to learn how to surf, and how to deal with my negative thoughts, like: “no way I can learn this,” or, “I should give up.” But my God is powerful, and I have faith in Him and he helped me overcome. I never imagined I could surf or do things like this. But it was always in my mind. It was my dream.”
Link - YouTube / Beyond Sight: The Derek Rabelo Story
Derek spoke about the debilitating nature of fear. How we can so easily allow it to control us, and to rob us of opportunity and joy.
While a 40ft wave at Nazare might represent a different level of fear to our boys than presenting a talk in front of their class, trialling a new sport, or setting goals that they might not quite attain, the idea of controlling negative thoughts is the important similarity.
Failure is a part of life, and the more we can help our boys not to fear it, the better. Teaching them to bounce back from disappointment makes them stronger and more ready to face life’s challenges. When our boys fear failing, they’re at risk of anxiety and meltdowns when things go wrong.
For Derek, his faith helped him to reframe the way he viewed challenges and to reframe the way he spoke about them. Whether we have a faith or not, the way we approach and speak about fear and failure is critical to our capacity to embrace challenge and hold fast to opportunity.
It’s normal to make mistakes or to not be able to achieve all goals we set out for ourselves. But it’s the personal stories or explanations that we create for ourselves about these mistakes that matter for how we feel and how we handle them — in the present and in the future. Reframing mistakes as opportunities from which we can learn — rather than failures alone — can help us feel like we are capable and in control. Reframing can also help us handle future mistakes more effectively. - Harvard Education
How can Parents Help?
As Parents, we need to try to step back and give our boys room to mess up. If we’re always over their shoulder guiding them, they can’t fail and try again. That’s an important experience that they need to learn and value.
Our boys develop self-confidence when they make decisions on their own. They build coping skills as they transition through difficult situations. They learn how to handle negative emotions, build self-control, apologise, and many other important relational skills. Allowing our boys to make mistakes when they’re younger, prepares them for handling the big stuff when they’re older.
When they make mistakes, we can help them learn to approach them constructively by modelling this behaviour. Talking openly about our own mistakes can be challenging, but doing so regularly teaches children that mistakes are something to learn from rather than something to cover up or fear.
“I’ve missed more than 9,000 shots in my career. I’ve lost almost 300 games. Twenty-six times I’ve been trusted to take the game-winning shot and missed. I’ve failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed.” - Michael Jordan
“Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.” Deuteronomy 31:6
Peter Grimes | Headmaster
References:
Link - Child Mind / how-to-help-kids-to-fail
Link - MCC / learning-from-mistakes-2
Tips for Parents
Below are four key steps for adults to help kids learn from mistakes.
1. Talk openly about mistakes
Share about a time when you made a mistake: what happened, how you handled it (even if it wasn’t so well, at first), and what you learned. Most likely, this will come up naturally when kids experience a setback or make a mistake and you want to relate to them. For example, if they failed a test, you could share a time you failed a test too - you might share that you learned to start studying earlier or ask the teacher for extra help before the next test.
It can be tempting to blame others for our mistakes but stay positive and focus on what you did or could have done to improve the situation.
2. Reframe mistakes as opportunities for learning
You might point out that it can feel bad to make a mistake but try to stay positive and reframe mistakes as opportunities for learning. Talking about mistakes can be hard but with the right language, they’ll eventually become sources of inspiration, not shame.
3. Spot opportunities around you
One of the best ways to learn something is by applying it to everyday life. So, encourage one another to notice mistakes around you, and find opportunities to solve them. For example, you might notice your brother is always late to soccer practice because he snoozes his alarm too much. Suggest that he place his alarm clock far away, so he’s forced to get up and turn it off!
4. Make it a habit
Talk about mistakes and lessons learned during weekly activities like mealtimes or commuting. If someone consistently has trouble thinking of an example, share your own mistake (or feeling of failure) first and then ask if anyone can relate or think of something similar.
